start a new story.

it was about a year ago or so i’d say. if you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t think anything of that statement and would just think i’m guessing a estimated time. but if you know me, you know better. you know i know the date. it was a year ago yesterday.

i’ve always had this thing with dates. i remember just about every birthday that’s been, at some point in my life, significant to me. i remember the dates of anniversaries; my parents anniversary, random dates that have meant something to me, dates of getting hired at dream jobs. i remember the dates of first kisses. i remember dates of bad days and good days and dates when it all changed for me. this is one of those times. i remember timestamps, moments, glances, blurs of weekend memories, and watching it fade in my driver side mirror the morning of may 6, 2012.

it was a sunday. i stood there in my two story apartment in greensboro, north carolina in an empty bedroom. there were no longer pictures of friends on the walls. my neutral color artwork no longer hung over where the bed used to be. you could see the remains of where they once hung. there were memories of me all over that room. there were memories of me all over that city. i remember standing in the doorway and the sun that showed its face from the open upstairs windows was lighting up the room. mom yelled up the stairs is that all? ... i took a deep breath. yeah, i said while i closed the door. that’s all.

...

flash back about three months prior. i was out a bar. it was the bar we always went to seeing the same faces we always saw. i was wearing some dress and boots i bought to try and distract my thoughts of whatever was bouncing around in my head. i remember the green walls of the bar and the same dj that spun the same tunes every friday and saturday nights and the same florescent lights and the same bouncer was always at the door. he’d seen me there so many times he didn’t bother checking my i.d. anymore. i remember standing there not even drinking and not even having fun. i was swaying to some song that was popular at the time, mouthing the words almost like i only existed there physically and my mind was chasing my heart that was somewhere miles down the road. why was i even out? i remember thinking there had to be more to life. i knew i wanted to go.

the city i wanted to start a new life in was very dependent on how little the number of people i knew that lived there. one of my closest friends had just moved to charlotte, north carolina and i think i knew two other people there. outside of 3 people in a whole city, the rest of the population there didn’t know me or my story or where i’ve been or who i was. they would only know the amanda they would meet. so that was that. in february 2012 i decided to leave everything I've ever known for the unknown. and i was terrified.

i had to quit my job i loved and find a new place. i had to find roommates and bedroom furniture and friends and learn my way around a place i’d only visited a few times in my life, but when you’re determined to make a change for the better, you’ll do anything to make it happen. a friend from college let me know she needed someone to live with so i signed a lease an extra hour and a half further away from my parents without a job. i’m a christian and i believe in the power of prayer and God providing for you because Lord knows i prayed and prayed for the right job, but i knew if it didn’t fall into my lap when i first moved, i would waitress wherever i needed to, to make ends meet until it did. God provided for me and blessed me with a job i love before i even left greensboro. the house and the job fell into place so effortlessly i knew this was where i needed to be. it’s possible y'all.

a lot of you are graduating and probably can relate to this. your whole life is changing and it’s happening so fast and you just want time to slow down. i’ve been there. but if you’re anything like me, you strive for the fast life and the thrill of it all strikes you hard and you live for that feeling. you’re going to be scared out of your mind – do it anyway.

...

so there i was a year and two days ago. my whole life was packed into two cars and a trailer; moving on and letting myself fall apart. letting everything that had defined me, shaped me, broke me down, lifted me up –letting it all drift somewhere in the breeze so i could rebuild myself the way i wanted to be all along. the lights of greensboro got smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as i told it goodbye for the last time. oddly enough so did all of the people and the regret that came with it. funny how that happened.

a year ago yesterday i opened my eyes to a new life filled with exciting things to do and people to get to know and places to explore and beers to be drank and wednesday dates to be taken on and bars with lifesized jenga to be discovered and i felt free. i didn’t know that within the next year i’d pick up yoga or running again or meet and hear all the stories i’ve gotten to. i think it takes not knowing what you want at all and running with it that leads you where you’re meant to end up.

this past weekend on may 3^rd i was headed home for a wedding – the one i blogged about a couple months ago. i have to pass by the greensboro exits on i85 north to get to roxboro, nc. i decided to stop by the city early that morning and see the people who hired me into my career; the only thing i miss about greensboro. it was weird. a year almost to the day i left, i returned. the road names were the same. the uncg water tower still stood tall. the light at the intersection of lee street and aycock street still took forever to turn green. i didn’t drive by most places i used to visit because i really had no interest, but the road i did take downtown where i used to work – it all was the same. there’s a winding curvy exit that leads you down to market street which heads into downtown greensboro that i used to take every morning going to work. it was still there. and the merging lane is still so short it will give you a heart attack to make sure you don’t run someone off the road. it was like i never left for a split second and there i was existing again where i lived and was comfortable for over 6 years. memories came back. some good. some bad. but all reminded me why i left and why it was hands down the best thing i ever did for myself. because i, too, was scared – but did it anyway.

coming back from roxboro, i pass the interstate split you see below.

 

to the left i85 south towards charlotte. to the right i40 west towards greensboro. thousands of people pass through this split every day without giving it second thought, going on about their day and their lives. but this split means everything to me – it represents where i was and where i’m going. old and new. and every time i choose the left lane towards charlotte now i’m reminded of the day i left. i had no clue what would happen or where i was going to end up.

there was only thing i knew for sure and that was i wasn't going back.

 

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

your last love is the beautiful one.

... and perhaps the most special one of them all. they meet you after you’ve been hurt before; maybe a few times. they have to press more. they have to endure more. they have to unveil all of your insecurities. they have to deal with a heart they didn’t break. they have to listen to stories of why your heart was broken and make pinky promises not to do the same. they have to listen to you talk about the time you loved another when they hate the idea someone else got that close to you; someone else existed where they want to exist forever and that someone else left you broken instead. they have to prove to you that you won’t end up like before and have to jump through hoops of trust to do so. sometimes we run from them. other times we push them away because we don’t know what else to do. sometimes we don’t believe the words they say because we have heard them all before. we don’t invest too much time or feelings because that would create vulnerability and we promised ourselves we would never give someone the power to destroy us again. we say we don’t need them, but when they’re gone, we find we miss them. at first we don’t want kisses on the forehead or to hold hands in public because that’s what others did and that only ended in a dead end road. our last love has to deal with constant comparisons and being judged and we don’t allow ourselves to fall as fast with our last love as we eagerly were ready to jump head first with our first love. with them, we wanted to taste the fizzle our heart was creating and feel every bit of it. our last love has to fight through an army of soldiers around the walls of our hearts who protect us from those who try to get in. they won’t let just anyone in anymore. they’ve been too trusting before.

i think we spend too much time visiting in the past while living in the present. you can’t control your mind from wishing your last love would immediately give you the comfort you had with your first. your last love is the unknown. you don’t know if they going to wake up one morning and not want you anymore so you think back to the story of your first love that you know, by heart, the ending to. you have time to prep yourself to take the blow. maybe you are already expecting there to come a time you’ll have to get over this love so you start teaching your heart how to now. but i think that you aren't giving your last love enough credit. considering your last love probably is just as scared as you are. they, too, probably have felt the not so good part of love, but there they are – being patient with you because they want to love you. because they don’t want you to blame them for what someone else did.  because your last love does just that – they last.

i say to hell with your first love. sure, they taught you a lot. they were the first one to make you vulnerable and to make you cry. they were they first one to teach you how delicate love is and beautiful at the same time. somewhere deep down you know that a tiny piece of you will love them forever; if you truly loved them at all. this will be the case even if you don’t want to admit it. love is love, remember? it doesn't truly go away. it subsides, but it doesn't go away. but you know, i still say to hell with that. a first love is great, but a last love is the most beautiful. the last love doesn’t give up on you or think they can find someone better or someone more attractive or more funny than you are. because they know there are people out there that are far greater than they are and they love you for still choosing them. i think we should give a big round of applause to your last love. because they will teach you something that your first love did not.

..that love still exists when you thought that it never could again.

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

8 dating deal breakers.

1.       you smoke.

 

okay. who hasn’t been at a bar in college and all the skinny girls and all the cool dudes outside are like, “totally taking a break from the bar scene” to go light one up and puff a few black clouds into their lungs? SO COOL.

okay fine, i’ve been there too. i’ve done that. i’ve done that to fit in because all my friends were doing that and i thought it was the new trend – but as all trends do, they die. maybe i was mind screwed for that time because i had always thought cigarettes and those associated were so trashy. i think i was entertained by this for like all of 2 months and out of the 2 months, maybe participated in this like 4 times. ohhhh the things alcohol and hanging with the wrong people will do to you. however, for this dealbreaker, i’m talking about the hey bro, can i snag a cig because i’m gonna die without it,  can’t make it through a dinner date without a smoke break, pause our conversation every 10 minutes, keep me coughing in your car because i can’t breathe, 5 packs a day kind of smoker. your clothes, your hair, your deodorant (in some extreme cases), and even when you open your wallet – smells like smoke.  but in reality - sorry, but making out with an ashtray doesn’t seem that attractive and if you do any of the above, neither do you.

2.      you have been single for only 3 months.

dude no. if i find out that you’ve just hopped back on the single horse like last week, i’ll send you running faster than your ex did. why? well 1. because of the obvious. no one gets over anyone within 3 months. hell, no one really gets over anyone within 6 months or maybe even a year give or take circumstances. sorry dude i will not be your rebound to make your ex jealous. 2. you’re dealing with the pain of your past relationship and maybe i do have a degree in psychology. i actually loved studying that in school, but i do not have the time to analyze why your ex girlfriend was a bitch. or why she cheated. or why she sucked and hated your friends. or why she wouldn’t let you drink. or why she had a weird obsession with the color purple. i don’t have time to hear about her, kay? go see a shrink. 3. ya know i really like my life and my face. and i don’t feel like having to deal with your ex blabbering cuss words drunk at a bar and trying to take a swing at my right jaw and mentally killing me in my sleep. i don’t really want to be the girl she sees you with next and immediately hates without knowing me at all. get over someone before you get under someone else – that you really see a future with that is. what you do what the in-between is on you and go ‘head do your thing, but sorry charlie, i’m not gonna be that girl.

3.      you’re not funny.

-         seriously, i think i laugh at myself more than i do anything. i run into walls, i trip in heels, i say corny jokes, i over exaggerate things, and i’m pretty quick when it comes to clever comebacks. i love sarcasm. i’m good in beer pong and you damn well better believe when you’re on the opposing team i’m going to talk so much junk to you, you’re going question the fact that you’re really playing a girl. and then i’ll sink the last cup and remind you that a girl just kicked your butt. sometimes i stump my toe and say words i shouldn’t. sometimes i stutter over my words. sometimes i say inappropriate jokes and things i shouldn’t. and sometimes is say “sometimes” too much – right then was a good example. sorry ya’ll this is the wine talking. {winky.}sometimes i drink too much and make a fool of myself, but dammit if you’re the one for me, you’re going to laugh at it and compliment it and we will talk about it the next morning. you won’t be embarrassed. you’ll try to top it! if you can’t hang, you can’t be with me.

4.      you don’t like spontaneity.

-         i am such a planner. i plan my day out at work organizing every little details but when it comes to my personal life and i have no plans day of – you better know i’ll be up for anything. friends of mine know this about me and i will be dead freakin’ tired; planning my nap after work and they can text me at 4:45pm and say “after work drinks at blackfinn charlotte?” – boom i’m there. i feel like i am the most #yolo person and yes i know #yolo is no longer cool to say, but whatever. the acronym is super lame but the concept is amazing. you are only young once and i hate the term “sleep when you die” because um no, you don’t sleep when you die – you’re dead dumbass. but you can sleep less hours and still survive the next day. go zip lining and skydiving and scuba diving with scuba steve or anything your heart desires. you only get 10 years in your twenties y’all. do it all.

5.      you don’t like my family or friends.

-         self explanatory. they’re my life. get with them or get lost.

6.      your dad & mom aren’t cool.

-         okay this one i can bend with. i guess you realllllllllllly can’t help if they suck and if i like you – i’ll try to look past it but i’ve been super close with the dad and mom of pretty much everyone i’ve dated. and i have to love yours too. family is number one. family doesn’t change. remember that.

 

7.      your height.

-         oh geez. everyone thinks i’m a super huge bitch for this one. i don’t know, maybe it’s a thing of masculinity for me? i’m 5’8”. and these lil girls that are all 5’2” don’t understand why i just haveeeeeee to have someone over 6 foot. omg like 6 foot is just like so tall. why are you so picky?! ... so let me put in perspective for all you little short shrimps out there (no offense, y’all are princesses too) but really – i’m 5’8”. i like someone who is, say 6’2” or taller. now to you, that’s a freakin’ giant. but let’s do some math. how many inches different is that? 6 inches. let’s add 6 inches to your 5’2” frame. bam – 5’8”. my height. is that right? i don’t know; i suck at math and the wine isn’t helping. but see my point? it’s the same difference and considering most of your boyfriend’s are just as tall or slightly taller (otherwise they couldn’t easily kiss your short self) than i am. boom goes the dynamite. trust me – i don’t hate on short people. kinda envy you guys, but if you were my height (or at least think like i do) you would too.

8.     {insert any other weird kinda deal breaker like being psycho, crazy, clingy, not giving me space, coming on too strong, being lame, being boring, being socially awkward because i’m way too social for that, not liking cats, not liking dogs, not liking food, not understanding and enhancing my weirdness, not liking cereal, not – anything else i come up with between now and when i find the one.}

ps, if you don’t like wine, it’s probably not gonna work out either considering wine wrote this blog. cheers to friday!

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

pay it forward.

when i was younger, i watched that movie. this idea really is extraordinary. for those who’ve never seen the movie, it’s about a kid {better known from the sixth sense that claims he “sees dead people”} that has a whore of a mother played by the beautiful helen hunt who gets a class assignment to somehow change the world - or something like that. it was a long time since i’ve seen this movie so sorry i don’t know all the intricate details.

anyway, he comes up with this idea that if one person does three random acts of kindness for three different people and then those three continue the trend for 3 more different people and the branches just keep building for this movement. he goes on to say how all of humanity can be changed and tada! the world is saved.

ok, i know  - it’s a movie. but really, stop and think about this. when is the last time you did something for someone for no reason at all?

i’d like to tell you a little short story.

it was a little over a year ago and i was on my lunch break for work. i had plans after work with a friend and needed to run to walmart for a few necessities around the house. back then, i only got an hour for lunch and the closest walmart was about a nice little fifteen to twenty minute drive, depending on traffic. i was flying down the road on my phone chatting away to my friend about our plans later and i rushed into walmart – grabbed some toothpaste, toilet paper, a new mascara tube, daily vitamins and a few other odds and ends before finally being sucked into the impulse aisle near the register and grabbing the cosmo magazine because somebody cool, like kate hudson, was on the cover and one of the headlines claimed 8 new ways to turn a guy on. well duh? who doesn’t want to know about that, i thought. so i decided to throw away five dollars on some bs article, that i later figured out, told me things that i already knew. i was in line continuously checking my iPhone so i was sure i had time to get a coffee before going back to work and still clock-in under an hour. tapping my foot on the floor and carrying everything in my arms, i turned around and noticed an elderly lady, probably around the age of 80, fumbling with her hands, squinting her small eyes and sighing heavily, trying to carry way too many groceries. i think old people are literally the cutest, so it was no surprise before the next thing i knew, my things we sitting nicely on the walmart floor and i took her items from her hands and placed them on the counter for her to be scanned by the cashier. i let her go in front me and picked up my things and continued to wait in line.

there was a man already checking out in front of both of us. he was tall; lean. and gray had just set in to his shorter dark hair as he glanced back at me and smiled a very small smile as he handed the cashier his payment, gathered his things, left the store and went about his day.  i figured he was just super friendly and the smile reminded me of the importance of being warm to strangers; people you don’t know anything about because you never know who needs it. the elderly lady did the same and as she turned to leave after thanking me one more time, i began to set my things on the counter to be rung up. my total was $30 dollars and some odd cents, so i dug into my wallet for my debit card and the cashier discounted the final bill down by $20.00, bringing my total to $10 dollars and some. huh? wait, what? i looked at her with confusion and asked why. she said the man that just left saw how you helped that older lady that just left so generously without even thinking. he insisted when it was your turn to pay, to use the $20.00 he just gave me, towards your bill. he didn’t say much else but just told me to tell you to “pay it forward.”

y’all like really? i was stunned. in all my 23 years of living, i had never had a moment impact me like that. he didn’t have to do that. he could’ve given me a high five & a whoohoo! good job; you’re cool! and made a bigger scene – but he didn’t. he could’ve not thought twice or not looked my way or seen me at all – but he didn’t. he did more than keep twenty bucks in my pocket that day. he was extending a random act of kindness to someone else who didn’t know his name or his story for no reason at all.

i walked back to my car; my mind closing in on his sweet smile knowing in a few short minutes, i would know what he did and would have no way of thanking him. his sweet smile hoping i would do the same for someone i didn’t know.

i stopped for coffee on the way back to work. the sun was shining. i got to the drive-thru window and checked my reflection in the rearview mirror. after fluffing my hair, my eyes caught the eyes of the person behind me in another car. it was a woman; probably mid 40s in a simple line waiting for coffee just like i was. my mind went back to just 30 minutes ago and i looked at the cashier inside the building and said this may be silly, but how much is the person’s total in the car behind me? i’d like to pay for their coffee. after the cashier realized i wasn’t crazy, he mumbled a $5.50 total and asked why? i handed him my debit card and said when she pulls to the window, tell her it’s taken care of & happy tuesday from me - and to pay it forward.

so, try it, will you? it can be life changing. there are still beautiful people in this world, like yourself, who have hearts of gold. show that off because that's the true definition of beauty. plus, you are guaranteed a smile knowing that a simple act of kindness, to someone who won’t be able to say thank you, can make their entire day. and then someone else's day. and then someone else's.

for absolutely no reason at all.

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

anti-commitment.

i think we all love the chase – that over-excited feeling you get when your phone lights up and his name is on the screen. he’s unpredictable and you’re not committed; sometimes you can guess his next move and the next you wonder since he isn’t talking to you, who else is he talking to? the things he says to you, could he copy and paste to someone else with the same intent? you fumble with the idea, but yet you’re doing the same damn thing. the things you’ve said to him, you could say, and in some cases have said, to others you’re talking to. you stay addicted to the feeling of the chase because it comes with no broken hearts and no chance of vulnerability. it comes with moments of satisfaction, but nothing that can tear down the exterior you’ve built. he’s got your attention, but it’s nothing that you couldn’t walk away from in a second, head in a different direction and feel no remorse. jaded – some would like to call you; the one who won't commit.

it’s like the second the chase is gone and feelings start to settle, you’re out. deuces. peace. bye. see ya. some may call this leading people on. some people might be right. well, are you? am i? is it even your fault to begin with? are you cognitively running through hearts just for the fun of it or are you just as blind to your actions as we’d like to believe you are – because no one in their right mind screws with emotions. does the idea of being with someone, and just that someone, forever scare the hell out of you?

don’t worry, it did me too. you’re not jaded. jaded is kind of a harsh word anyway.

i’ve ran from commitment. i mean anything that even hinted at feelings or any kind of “i like you” sent me hauling everything i’ve ever owned in the other direction stirring up dust trails underneath the wheels of my car. andddd bye! any kind of sweet gesture would make me physically sick and would be something i’d roll my eyes at because that doesn’t exist. people who do that are fake and are just trying to get something right? screw you and your wrong intentions. ha! you think i’m the type of girl to fall for your conniving ways. i see right through you dude and i know what you’re doing. keep it walking because you’re the one who is wrong here.

okay so pause.

lessons of this blog are as follows:

1.       there really are guys out there who will say all the right things at the right time and fool you. they do exist. sorry i don’t have better news here.

2.      there also really are guys out there who will say all the right things at the right time and whose actions will prove it over time.

there’s a difference. my problem was that i didn’t know how to give it the time. most anti-commitment people don't have the patience to wait it out because they're too busy making their next move. keep moving on.

sometimes when guys come on too strong, that also would send me running faster than a runaway train – even if they meant well. a lot of times they do mean well because someone who doesn’t, wouldn’t put time and effort into you if they didn’t see something extraordinary. this isn’t an easy thing to admit as sometimes it comes with embarrassment and the sense that you are broken. maybe you have been broken before. then maybe you healed. have you been in relationships your whole life? have you given your all and they gave you nothing? have you gave nothing and they gave you their all? there are a million questions you can ask someone to find out why they hide or run or stay at arms length, but never allow their fingers to intertwine.

i always used to talk to my dad about these type of things. my dad is a pretty cool dude i will say {even though he is a duke fan; don’t ask how this one happened. go tarheels.} and has been there for me after all these years from when i broke hearts and vice versa. i remember when i was 16 and i knew a relationship i was in wasn’t what i wanted, he and i would always go for a ride in my car to talk about it. he would tell me stories of his mix-ups and days when he was younger and made me feel like my life wasn’t in shambles if i broke up with some dude.


{daddy; me - with extremely blonde hair.}

a few years ago, i was the definition of anti-commitment. i don’t think i ever really knew why. but there was a guy that didn’t give up, wanted to know everything about me and my life and why i was scared, why i didn’t like elevators or blank movie screens and every other unique detail about me – there was nothing he wanted me to leave out. ultimately, my heart knows it worked out best for the both of us to keep it separate and not commit, but i remember talking to my dad about it. we were sitting in the living room at my childhood home nulling over the situation while sipping coffee on a sunday morning before church. i kept saying i couldn’t figure out why i couldn’t figure it out and he said something that has embedded itself in my head since that day. i can’t forget the nerve it struck in me because of the truth, even though i knew it would be more time before i could utilize the advice. i knew i needed to have more time to be anti-committal.

he said: “you know, amanda, a guy coming on strong doesn’t always mean wrong intentions. maybe he sees something in you that you may not see yourself. a guy that wants to talk to you all the time isn’t such a bad thing because you could always run the risk that he doesn’t want to make time for you at all. be thankful.”

my dad was always about humility; to be humble. i needed to be thankful and it took me a long time to see what was ever so clear to him. thanks daddy. a year and a half later, your daughter now sees what you were talking about. thank you for being patient.

there are so many awesome things to accomplish and places to see in this world. go hiking and see a view that will take your breath away. run a marathon. run five. go visit italy. go live in barbados for a year and learn new languages. watch movies every saturday in pajamas. become the ceo of a company. write a book. start a riot. volunteer at a shelter. make a mark on all 50 states in america. walk four miles a day. find the cure to cancer.  invent something. better the world. have a 40 hour a week job and love it. raise a puppy. make a difference. enjoy more madness.

you can do all the above a hundred times over, but at the end of the day, if you can’t look beside you and see someone there holding your hand, someone who you trust to support you through your highs and lows, someone to share your life with, really what’s the point?

so i say that we say no to anti-commitment. love when you dont know how to love. and when you think you are finally loving enough, love even harder.

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

#runforBoston

when i run, the world just gets kind of quiet. not quiet in the sense that i silence the wind or the cars that pass down the street adjacent to the constant pitter patter of my running shoes against the sidewalk. not quiet in the way of blocking out the ticks of changing stoplights and chirps of crosswalk signs. and not quiet as in tuning out the sounds from the children playing kickball in their front yard or the deep sound of me catching my breath on the turn of mile 3.

it just kinda gets quiet in a different way that i can’t explain. it’s quiet without being quiet at all. it’s kind of like white noise. but, there is always music in my ears. i can’t run without the steady beat of something to match my footsteps to or stay focused knowing i have 30 seconds left to run to the end of a song before i stop for a quick breather. a lot of the time running is my therapy. 1 – it’s free. 2 – it’s entertaining. the different roads and neighborhoods always give a different view and a different feel to the air. and 3 – it’s where i go when i want to let go.

and i like to let go often.

the stress from everyday life, the constant ringing of the phone, the text messages i don’t want to answer but feel obligated to, the overwhelming emails, and people asking this and that and can you be here at this time or the will you do this for me instead – all that doesn’t exist in these miles. it’s all very simplistic. it’s just a girl in gray, tight workout pants with a loose fitted shirt rippling in the wind. it’s a pony tail flipping back and forth in the breeze matching the sway of her arms and the bending of her knees, in unison, powering through her body wanting to slow down but her mind telling her don’t stop. it’s a sweaty brow. it’s a pain in her right ankle that still has to be supported by an ankle brace from an injury. but mostly, it’s a free mind.

i don’t know what’s wrong with this world. years ago, we thought the shootings that happened were so out of the ordinary and the thought of such a tragedy only existed in the mind of the dark and twisted. these days we can’t go to a movie theatre, send our children or feel safe about our little brother or sister in their elementary school, or after boston’s tragic events today – even go for a run without having to expect the unexpected. we can’t even go for a run to free our own minds anymore without having to worry about the dark and twisted lurking in the shadows finding ways to unveil their ugly hearts or outdo other evil ways done before them. more people need to know God.

 more people need to know our Savior.

i am one person. i’m no one special really – just some chick who writes some stuff randomly, some real such as this post and some completely made up that you guys ask me to. and y’all come and read it. {thank you for that.} but i was at work today when i heard the news in boston and it still hasn’t left my mind since reading the news on my computer in horror. it makes me want to start a crazy movement, but the reality is that i’m only one person and i’m all about being realistic. i’m only one set of eyes in a sea of billions with different views and opinions. but i’ll tell you if i could do anything, i would ask that we start to love instead of continuing to hate. it can be as easy as that. it can be as simple like going for a run. and the cool thing is, you can start anytime you want. to love people – that is the only answer.

i ran tonight. i had a lot on my mind i wanted to let go so i had a pretty long run as you can see below. sometimes my thoughts drift to God and what’s going on in my life, but tonight they were all about the innocent men and women and children running the marathon and their families affected doing the same thing i was doing. i was just moving my legs forward  - one in front of the other in a tandem pattern. so were they when it all changed in a second. it only took a second and a loud boom to literally change the way they trust, the way they view life and for some, the way they even look. some who were injured today won’t ever get to free their mind the way runners do ever again and i just can’t wrap my mind around that. why world, why?

so if you can, just remember – love, itself, is the only way.

boston, these 6.22 miles, as little as that may seem, were all for you.

 

 

 

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

miles separate you & i.

just miles.

and it’s just pavement. pavement that curves right and then other times to the left; sometimes climbs a hill and other times increases my speed when coming back down. parts of it are long stretches of interstate and other parts are country roads. there are city lights and vast spaces. sometimes i take a left and other times a right to get to you and sometimes i burn through the yellow lights to get there to you even faster. pavement that’s flooded with other cars and traffic lights and that one spot where the sun blinds me every time. i remember the first time i made the drive up there. i got lost in all the green road signs and forks in the road. the only thing lighting up the pavement was the moon and your directions were confusing to me; i was in a place i’d never been before visiting someone i didn’t really even know. you told me to pull over in the nearest parking lot and to tell you the name of the store where i was. it was some run down market on the corner of some intersection and the name of it is failing to retrieve in my memory right now, but i remember it didn’t take you long to find me and lead me to your place. now it’s a drive i make quite often and one i could do backwards if i needed to. i drive with my sunroof open and the music up and the memories from that summer in the forefront of my mind and i smile. in comparison to how long we’ve been together, been working at this, been putting something into what we’ve created, distance doesn’t matter because it’s just miles.

i remember when i met you. the sun was shining and i was wearing a dress and i had quit believing in love. i had on cheap sunglasses and you made a comment that they basically covered my whole face. you said i should take them off because you were sure they were covering the prettiest part about me and you wanted to know the color of my eyes. clever, i thought, but you meant it. you were wearing red and your eyes sparkled when the sun hit them. you mentioned you lived 3 hours away. i’m actually just in town for the weekend you said. my nervousness disappeared in that moment i knew you’d end up just like the rest of them – just looking for a girl for the night and when you left, so would all the sweet things you said.

but you were different and you didn’t give up. you kept making the drive and coming back to my town; making it a point to see me every time. you kept proving to me why i should trust when it was the last thing i wanted to do. i don’t know why i didn’t see it first. maybe i didn’t believe you and was waiting for you to prove me right. i wanted to be right about you because no one puts that effort into someone who lived so far away. it was too difficult to kept that together and easier to just give up on it. or maybe i didn't believe you because of scars from years past covered up my eyes to things i didn’t know how to feel. maybe the distance intimidated me more that i thought it would. maybe because you weren’t a 5 minute ride down the road or a mile walk i could make on sunday afternoons when the weather was nice. you weren’t a brisk run on wednesday evenings after work or 20 minute drive to a random starbucks in some small town that began with an E i always liked to make for some odd reason. i think i just really didn’t know how to believe that would work but i had to forget every reason why it wouldn’t and recall the one reason why it would.

it’s now been three and a half years since that afternoon i doubted you through my sunglasses. but i now know in my heart that at the end of the day, when the sun sets and the night sky kisses away the last part of daylight, it’s just miles. just miles and pavement and if i travel it, it will lead me straight to you.  and one day we will live close and you’ll be at the end of my fingertips, but until then, i’m not worried at all.

because you made me believe in love again and because i just can’t live without you.

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute